The owner of an artisan delicatessen and café that charges £18.95 for beans on toast has BLASTED the government after the National Minimum Wage was raised last April.
According to Leviathan Montrose-Nash, who opened Leigh On Sea’s swanky pop-up eatery Nous Vous Avons Vu Quand Vous Veniez in 2015, being forced to pay his apprentices £3.50 an hour is ‘crippling’ his business.
He said: ‘I honestly don’t know how much longer I will be able to go on for. I’ve already had to raise my beans on toast price to £18.95 and call it Haricots De Tomates Sur Le Pain Grille.’
‘My dairy-free, gluten-free, guilt-free, sugar-free, born-free Soya Lattissimo Latté is already at £4.75 and I don’t know how much higher I could go before my customers desert me and head to Rectal Rob’s across the road.’
‘Heaven only knows how bad things would get if I didn’t sack every apprentice at the end of their apprenticeship for some bullshit reason and hire more.’
We told Mr Montrose-Nash that a recent survey by local estate agents revealed that the average rent in the town means that residents need to earn £14.65 an hour to cover the basic costs of living.
He said: ‘… and I give a shit because?’
‘It’s a tough old world out there. My father Mercutio came down here in 1971 with just £650,000 in his back pocket and a dream to make this place so far out of reach of the average human being that it might as well be located on the fucking moon.’
In another development, the town council approved a planning application for the up and coming Leigh art gallery Rien to extend it’s opening hours from January 2018.
Art lovers have been flocking to the gallery from all over the United Kingdom to pay £65 per hour to stand in an empty shipping container and contemplate the ultimate futility of human existence while a 20000W sound system bellows the word ‘shame’ repeatedly.