A leading consumer rights lawyer has confirmed that anyone who has bought a West Ham United ticket this season (or perhaps even ever) may be entitled to compensation.

Giles Schmuck told Southend News Network that time could be running out to make a claim.

He said, ‘The deadline for claims is looming as it will probably be the day that the club gets docked 10 points and relegation empties their coffers with the whole parachute payment going on their police bill.’

’You have the right to claim for being mis-sold a West Ham ticket if you believe that the person working in the ticket office described it as a ‘football ticket.’

’The reality is that you are being charged to watch your team get torn a new arsehole for 90 minutes.’

’It has also become clear that the phrase ‘Revenue generated from the sale of Upton Park and the construction of affordable homes for chinless Shoreditch twats and Arab investors will be used to purchase quality playing talent’ actually translates as, ‘They’ve bought it. They’ve bought it. I can’t believe they are actually falling for this pile of old tits.’

’To make a claim, there is a form you can download from the Citizens’ Advice Bureau website.’

’Alternatively, just gather around the directors’ box on match days and chant ‘Chim Chimmery Chim Chimmery Chim Chim Cheroo’ or whatever you fine fellows want to bellow.’

’Mark my words. This is going to make that PPI thing look like chicken shit.’

The news has been met with joyous laughter across the Thames by Millwall supporters.

One said, ‘Eurghoomphfffffffdf Ug.’