It has been confirmed that a number of armed units from Her Majesty’s Forces have been deployed to Canvey Island to restore order after a week of constant threats from the island’s rulers to declare independence.

According to a statement from the Ministry of Defence, Operation Jellicoe is a combined operation from members of the Army, Navy and Royal Air Force.

The statement read: ‘Our original deterrent of nuclear warheads being stationed in Benfleet was unsuccessful, so a number of tanks have now entered the island over the crossing by the station.’

‘Three units of the SAS are currently stuck in traffic at Sadlers Farm and will also begin operations shortly.’

‘Two Trident-equipped submarines of the Royal Navy are in position close to Concord Beach, and friendly fire has already been exchanged with a couple of local volunteers painting a bench.’

‘RAF jets have identified a number of targets where it is believed that insurgents are being sheltered with local children being used as human shields – our intelligence tells us that some of them are far more ‘shieldy’ than others.’

Responding to the military action, a spokesperson for the Canvey Union for Nationalist Transition said that the ‘invaders will be met with fire and fury, the likes of which have never been seen before.’

He said: ‘This Castle Point-backed junta is ultimately doomed to fail, and our operatives are planning revenge attacks on the mainland.’

‘One suicide bomber in Thundersley would cause at least £5,000,000 of improvements, and we have a growing queue of people lining up to become martyrs for the cause.’

‘We are having trouble locating virgins however.’