According to sources within the British government, a lack of progress in Brexit negotiations with the European Union has led to David Davis and the rest of his negotiating team offering to downgrade Brexit to ‘just sticking up a few more Union Jacks and making Nigel Farage King of Kent.’

One junior minister added that shops will also be allowed to refer to something called a ‘hundredweight’ again and sell milk by the foot if they wish.

He said: ‘Trying to come to an arrangement with the European Union’s team of Brexit Negotiators has been a lot more difficult than we first imagined, and so we have been forced to forget about leaving the Customs Union and the Single Market for the time being.’

‘Apparently our bargaining position of ‘give us everything we had before and mum’s the word’ didn’t quite hold as much sway as we would have liked.’

‘Therefore, under our new proposals, everything will stay exactly as it has been since the mid-1970’s in terms of free movement and car washes run by foreigners.’

‘However we will tell councils all over the UK to stick up some more Union Jack flags to make it feel a bit more Brexity.’

We asked the junior minister for more details about the decision to make Nigel Farage King of Kent.

He added: ‘We have created this mainly ceremonial position so that he can wear shiny trinkets and robes and go around opening local branches of Greggs and Kwik Save in front of his loyal supporters.’

‘One glimpse of King Nigel and they will probably forget all about this whole ‘will of the people’ thing.