The first day of official Brexit talks ended in chaos earlier this afternoon when Brexit Secretary David Davis and the rest of the British delegation sensationally WALKED OUT of their Brussels conference room after it emerged that EU-supplied biscuits to accompany teas and coffees throughout the negotiations had been set as ‘A maximum of Rich Tea Fingers.’
According to Christian Barnier, Jan Verhofstadt and Jean-Claude Juncker, the benchmark for supplementary biscuits has been set ‘artificially low’ as a clear marker that the EU won’t be fucking around in the run-up to March 2019.
A Brussels source said: ‘Although the Article 50 letter stipulated that Jammie Dodgers would be ‘non-negotiable’ throughout the Brexit process, all of that changed when Theresa May limped back into government.’
‘As far as the EU are concerned now, Britain is there for the taking, and so an industrial pallet of Rich Tea Fingers has just arrived.’
‘As an additional tactic, key EU workers will be visible with Raisin and Biscuit Clubs and Wagon Wheels during coffee breaks, but there will be no obvious information about where they can be obtained.’
‘If they eventually just realise that they would be better off remaining, then so be it.’
A statement from Downing Street read: ‘We walked into those negotiations with an open mind, but they have already backtracked on an early verbal promise to provide biscuits of distinction at all times.’
‘If we can’t trust them to give our negotiations something that won’t just fall apart after three seconds of dunkage in a beverage operating at 74 degrees Celcius, what on earth can we trust them with?’