Local CV Expert Lee Tonge (artist's impression) feels very strongly against Shreddit Employment.

In yet another first for business in Southend, the country’s very first recruitment agency without any actual vacancies has opened up on Southend High Street. Jobseekers can call into the offices of Shreddit Employment from 0900-1700 Monday to Saturday for a thorough analysis of their career goals and needs.

Agency founder Nigel Smarm has a clear vision for Shreddit, and he explained his business model to the Southend News Network. He said, ‘We have come up with a profitable and efficient system where we are able to handle thousands of new CVs per day – it’s like some kind of sexual thrill when a desperate jobseeker hands you their life’s achievements on a carefully laid-out sheet of A4 paper.

Naturally we always let them know that there are literally billions of employment opportunities in Southend that fit their skills and experience, and we can offer this guarantee with our ‘Vacancy-Free’ approach. Every morning, we fill our front window with as many spurious job vacancies as possible, such as ‘Skilled Temp-To-Perm-To-Temp Office Administrative Computerisation Procurement Fulfilment Operative, Southend and Surrounding Continent, £32k plus benefits plus jelly beans.’

However, Mr Smarm is also aware that the recruitment industry has an incredibly high turnover of staff – the branch Client Relationship Manager was replaced three times during the course of our interview.

During our reporter’s visit, he was taken to a room with a single plaque on the door that said ‘Team Building Soft Play Area.’ This room was full of soft toys and inflatable sumo suits, and the Pièce De Résistance was a swimming pool filled entirely with shredded CVs. According to Mr Smarm, the facility is designed to give jobseekers the knowledge that even if their application for a role is unsuccessful, their efforts are contributing towards the corporate wellbeing of a new ‘major player’ in the recruitment market.

We asked Lee Tonge, a local CV expert, about whether he thought that Shreddit Employment had a business model that would work long-term. He said, ‘To be honest, I would avoid this sort of recruitment agency – any reputable outfit would never point out that all of their vacancies have been made up. If you would rather have a CV that doesn’t end up as soft padding for some kind of corporate ‘team building’ facility, it is well worth taking a look at my Facebook page.’

The CV Store