A spokesperson for Greater Anglia has confirmed that Bullet Rail Replacement Buses will be introduced as part of Mitsui’s deal to buy a 40% stake in Greater Anglia. 

In an exclusive interview with Southend News Network, the Japanese company’s CEO Tipi Cornholio said that the new buses would be capable of speeds of up to 260 mph. 

He said: ‘With Great Anglia, come great responsibility.’

‘We looked at the trains and existing rail infrastructure and thought ‘f**k that’ – however their reserve of Rail Replacement Buses shows a lot of potential for improvement.’

‘Some of them seem to be running on coal, and this is why we are committed to investing £7.4bn in road-based vehicles that can travel from Norwich to Newbury Park via every back road and dirt track in East Anglia in just 34 minutes.’

‘If we get permission to put in some sort of Maglev track, we could probably shave another three minutes off.’

‘We’re not sure what we are going to do with the Southend Victoria branch. They never showed us around that bit for some reason.’

‘They only confirmed that it existed once the cheque cleared. Apparently there is an airport station where the trains stop before the flights have unloaded properly.’

‘It’s like the estate agent who forgets to mention the rising damp and the family of neo-Nazis next door with a dog called Goebbels.’