A self-employed business owner from Southend has confirmed that she is currently too busy to post on Facebook due to the amount of orders that she is taking. Michelle Foghorna has been selling some sort of health and beauty product since ten minutes ago, and she admits that she is literally ‘minutes away’ from a complete physical and mental breakdown due to the success of her ten-minute old business.

Michelle said: ‘The amazing thing about the product that I am selling is that the whole business is super-easy and it only takes a few minutes per day – I am free for the rest of the day to enjoy those precious moments with my young children and make a stupendous amount of money at the same time. Although the items I sell are backed up with scientific proof of anti-aging, weight loss and spiritual fulfilment from a team of researchers in North Korea, I find that most of my customers just identify with a photo of a girl with a six-pack and massive tits.’

She added: ‘I am passionate about building my own business and getting as many mummies involved. It may sound like a pyramid scheme, but it is in fact a multi-level business proposition that gets wider and wider the further down you go. There are difficulties however, and last week I had a problem when I advertised on a Facebook group that I was looking for exactly five mummies to try a herbal banana and salmon nipple rub. I only had four orders in the end and so I had to refund all of their money – that’s how Facebook works you see.’

‘When business is slow, I post an inspirational image that asks people to be the best possible version of themselves. In my case, the best possible version of myself would be the version of myself that shuts the f**k up.’