A C2C platform on a good day.

As a result of yet more tweaks to the new C2C timetable, bosses on the railway have been forced to introduce emergency measures to ensure that passengers are safe on platforms and the trains themselves. It is hoped that easing these problems will generally encourage people to forget about the bigger picture of the whole ‘revolutionary new system’ making as much sense as a 1980’s Japanese VCR manual.

With many trains at peak time full up after just a few stops, more and more passengers are being left waiting on platforms – this is increasing the risk of someone falling onto the track. Therefore, from this morning, dedicated staff will be patrolling the platforms and giving priority to those passengers with the pointiest umbrellas and the most expensive suits. A spokesperson confirmed: ‘Passengers with the most expensive suits probably work in banking, so naturally the economy depends upon them getting to work nice and quickly.’

Once passengers are on the trains, the doors that are not platform-side will be left open for the entire journey, and the door openings will be covered with an elastic mesh that expands to alleviate the pressure on those standing in the carriage – an alarm will sound giving people 15 seconds warning of a passing train so that they can move out of the way. These ‘vertical hammocks’ will also allow people to move out of the main gangway, making room for buffet trolleys to pass when they are introduced later this month.

In another late development, a C2C insider also confirmed that long and empty off-peak services will be filled with inflatable latex dolls modelled on commuters and vomiting drunk people to reduce complaints about empty carriages.