The South Essex town of Canvey Island has declared today that it has broken away from the United Kingdom and declared itself an Islamic Caliphate.
According to their leader Roscommon al-Vermuyden Libekh, formerly Morrisons deli counter worker Dave Smith, forming the so-called Islamic Caliphate of Canvey Island, or ICCI for short, is the only way to force the construction of a third road bridge and a Waitrose through extremist means.
Speaking exclusively to Southend News Network, al-Vermuyden Libekh said: ‘It is a disgrace that we are having to resort to Islamic fundamentalism to get our voices heard.’
‘The mainland of Castle Point won’t know what’s hit it unless our demands are met.’
‘First of all, a third road bridge, a Waitrose and a 15 mph limit on Roscommon Way are an absolute priority.’
‘Once these are in place, we demand a quadrupling of public toilet provision, and a permanent diversion of the c2c rail line so that it passes through a new station in the Knightswick Shopping Centre.’
We asked him to address the rumours that the death penalty has been reintroduced since they took power on the island.
He said: ‘Only for people found vandalising the benches on the seafront.’
A spokesperson for Castle Point Borough Council said: ‘Canvey Island? Shit is that still ours?’
‘We thought it belonged to Southend or Sheppey or something. Bloody hell.’
‘Has someone been sorting out the bins and everything?’
In a late development, an elite team from the SAS has been deployed to resolve the situation and topple the caliphate – however their armoured vehicle is stuck at Sadlers Farm because it’s bollocksed.