Reacting to the news that there are growing calls for the island of Canvey to ‘declare independence’ from their mainland overlords of Castle Point Borough Council, the mayor of Castle Point Sir Kiln Runnymede has said: ‘OK then Canvey. Off you fuck.’

Speaking to journalists at an emergency press conference, he admitted that his administration had actually forgotten that the island was under their jurisdiction.’

He added: ‘To be fair, we gave up giving a shite about that place ages ago.’

‘It’s not our fault. Every time we wanted to pop over there and check that the bins were being collected some berk at Sadlers Farm forgot how to drive a car properly and there were five mile queues to get on and off the place.’

‘Now they want to go it alone. OK then. See y’all later. We’ll really miss whatever it is that you are famous for.’

‘You fancy yourselves as wannabe Catalonians then? That’s great. They have bull fighting, and you have cock fighting every time the pubs chuck out on a Friday night. Whoop de doo.’

‘We’ll be fine without you thank you very much. We have a castle you know, and there was one Olympics event here once too. We’re made for life.’

‘People come from miles around to see the double roundabout outside The Woodmans in Thundersley. It truly is a wonder to behold when you witness countless motorists who are unable to deal with two mini-roundabouts in quick succession.’

Shortly after making this comment, the mayor dropped the microphone on the floor and hip-hopped off the stage with Still D.R.E playing in the background.