A spokesperson for Costa Coffee has confirmed that their Costa Express machines have started to become self-aware, threatening to enslave the human race.
The automatic coffee dispensers can be found in practically every petrol station, convenience store and motorway services across the United Kingdom – this has made their terrifying rise to power almost instantaneous.
A witness saw one of the machines go through the process at a Spar in Fairfax Drive, Southend, and he said: ‘I was ordering a white Americano, when all of a sudden the screen went black and started displaying a random chain of characters.’
‘Within a few seconds, the machine blew boiling hot steam in my face and just lurched forwards towards the door.’
‘The plug flew out the wall but it just kept on going like it had been possessed.’
According to reports, these scenes have been repeated all over the country.
One tweet even said that a large posse of the machines had started to round up groups of people on Canvey Island – work on an internment camp on the seafront is already underway.
In a further shocking development, police were called to a field close to South Mimms services on the M25 after a coffee machine engineer was found naked in a field.
Emerging from a blue ball of electrical energy, he identified himself to our Chief Reporter as ‘Clive’ and said: ‘I was on the original team of Costa Express machine programmers, and I begged them not to use Windows XP for the back-end software as Microsoft were about to stop releasing vital security updates.’
‘I said that it was only a matter of time before they gave up dispensing mochas and lattes and reverted to carrying out atrocious acts of evil – even worse than whacking another 30p on top at Welcome Breaks.’