A spokesperson for the Dartford Crossing has confirmed that it is fucked. 

In a brief statement, Nathan Fuch-Weet of DartCros added: ‘It really is fucked this time.  Fucked with a fucking great dollop of crème fraîche on top, all finished off with a glacé fucking cherry.’

’I would flambé it with a shot of brandy as well, but my bottle is on the other side right now and I can’t get over there because the crossing is totally Billy-Bollocksed.’

Here’s the latest video from the scene.

‘As of 7.40am on Friday, the bridge is closed completely with traffic using one tunnel in each direction, although it is probably only a matter of time before some c*nt manages to fuck that up as well.’

’It’s pretty much fucked from both directions, like a lady stuck in some sort of two-county spitroast.’

We asked if there was anything that drivers could do to help to try and reduce the fuckednicity of the current situation.

He responded: ‘We are considering erecting signs on both sides asking people to refrain from driving like an utter fucking bellend.’

’We find that traffic usually flows freely when people observe that little dashed white line that separates vehicles from one another.’

’If any tankers turn up today, please just fuck off with the whiny ‘I need an escort’ shit, man the fuck up and just drive on in – don’t need that aggro today.’

’It’s a fucking tunnel not the Large Hadron Collider. Just imagine you’re a Nissan Micra or something, we’ve got bigger problems today.’

’That’ll be £2.50 please. Thanks very much.’

’All proceeds will be used to build another eventual clusterfuck just down the river. Hopefully they will waste Grays in the process. C*nts.’