Desperate ISIS generals have been forced to recruit on Gumtree and LinkedIn after their traditional radicalisation methods have become ineffective in recent months.
According to one anonymous source, many are even paying for premium listings to try and stand out above similar adverts for teaching assistants and telecom sales directors.
Government ministers have promised to look into these allegations.
One Gumtree advert stated: ‘Wanted: Customer Services Manager for bustling, fast-changing environment.’
‘Full training given and company vehicle scheme available.’
‘Some experience in Jihad an advantage but not essential. Salary on application.’
Our source added: ‘LinkedIn is also becoming popular for ISIS recruitment as most people on there read articles like ‘Ten ways that you are doing procurement all wrong’ and are so bored shitless that they are driven straight into the arms of Islamic fundamentalism.’
’Adecco and Reed are starting to spot these adverts now, which is why they have been forced to advertise online.’
’To be fair, most people look at LinkedIn requests and unless there is a cracking pair of knockers on display they just go back to Facebook.’
In a further development, it has been revealed that an Islamic State training facility has been uncovered in Southend On Sea.
According to a prospectus that has been emailed to us, the town centre location offers foundation courses for those who are interested in a career in the nails and beauty or leisure and tourism divisions of Daesh.
Student Melanie Fuch-Weet said: ‘It’s a great place to learn, and their attitude towards women is marginally better than what you see down the Kursaal on a Friday night.’