The President of the United States of America Donald Trump has been criticised today after he accidentally ordered his Air Force to bomb Siri, the chirpy but ultimately useless voice assistant who comes installed on iPhones, iPads, iMacs and other Apple devices.
As a result of the botched orders, the Apple Voice Control Data Processing Centre in the Nevada Desert has been flattened, with millions of Apple users across the world now unable to say ‘Play Ace of Spades by Mötörhead’ twenty times before giving up and being forced to listen to Floral Dance by Terry Wogan instead.
iPhone owner Michelle Garridge first noticed that something was wrong at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon, after shouting ‘Hey Siri’ fifteen times and getting nothing in response.
She added, ‘He could have at least had the decency to obliterate Cortana instead. She really is a useless pile of shite.’
A spokesperson for President Trump said, ‘We are currently making a number of modifications to the President’s office to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.’
‘First of all, we are in the process of replacing the nuclear football with a large red button that just makes whooshing and banging noises.’
‘We have also pre-recorded footage of Wile E Coyote hitting the ground from a great height to play on television screens in the Oval Office.’
In a late development, it has emerged that Holly from Red Dwarf has been drafted in by Apple as a temporary replacement while Siri is rebuilt.
The news means that for the next few months, any astronomy-related questions will have a slightly longer processing time than usual while the software consults the Junior Encyclopedia of Space.