While the entire nation of Wales is collectively killing itself laughing at residents in the other home nations scrambling to discover their Welsh heritage, members of the eliminated England squad are preparing to watch tonight’s Wales V Portugal Euro 2016 semi-final in disgusting luxury. According to reports that have been received at Southend News Network, Wayne Rooney will be viewing a broadcast of the game with his family on a 140″ TV screen while lounging on a giant mattress stuffed with the hair of London’s stray cats for extra comfort, and other players will be similarly pampered. 

A source close to Raheem Sterling said that the Manchester City global super-megastar will be watching the game in more modest surroundings. He said: ‘Raheem is very upset this his photo of a diamond encrusted bathroom suite upset a number of people, and so tonight he will be Snapchatting the occasion while enjoying cocktails made from the tears of England’s young children that were collected during and after the Iceland match.’

We tried to contact Joe Hart through a haze of dandruff flakes, and his spokesperson said: ‘Unfortunately, Joe will not be watching the Wales match this evening as he has dropped his television … and his backup television … and his laptop.’

We asked the FA for a comment about these reports. Nigel Pimpton, Head of Fan Revenue Generation, said: ‘We would like to remind the general public that footballers are free to watch tonight’s game in whatever circumstances they choose. We have just completed our own enquiry into our Euro 2016 performance, and we have concluded that more money is needed if we are to improve as a national team. Lots of it. Therefore, we are pleased to announce a collection of commemorative player figurines that perfectly capture the emotions experienced by the team this summer. For just £99.99 each, true fans can purchase officially licences models of Joe Hart staring at the floor, Dele Alli wondering where the f*cking ball has gone and Harry Kane staring into the distance with his finest Albert Steptoe face on.’