Thousands of residents of South West Essex and North West Kent have fled from their homes this afternoon after last-minute peace talks between the Lakeside and Bluewater shopping centres broke down. 

After more than eleven hours of discussions and negotiations in a conference suite at the Dartford Hilton Hotel, no agreement was reached to withdraw the surface-to-air missiles that are currently on standby on both sides.

In a statement, UN Special Peace Envoy Marshall Kissinger-Annan released a statement to confirm that no truce had been reached.

He said: ‘It is with regret that leading generals from both shopping centres have been unable to resolve their differences through diplomatic measures.’

‘Both sides have now resolved to push ahead with military action, and so we are advising people in the surrounding areas to consider moving from their homes to a place of safety.’

‘Today’s meeting was very much a final attempt to avoid a full-scale military conflict.’

‘Previous attempts at shuttle diplomacy have failed due to traffic congestion at the Dartford Crossing.’

Missile strikes across The Thames are now looking almost ‘100% certain,’ and many experts feel that this is the only solution after the original Twitter disagreement between Lakeside and Bluewater in June.

Although the exchange started in a lighthearted manner, bosses at Lakeside accused Bluewater of being a ‘poncy paradise,’ with the Kent-based centre retaliating by saying that their Thurrock competitor was ‘an Aladdin’s cave for the braindead.’

A representative from IKEA in the neighbouring retail park confirmed that all flammable MDF-based products are being moved to a place of safety as a precaution.’