A Facebook user from Southend in Essex has told our Chief Reporter that she was ‘shocked to the core’ earlier today when she was browsing the popular social media network and saw how a plate of food can be put together.
‘It was the most flabbergasting thing that I have literally ever seen ever,’ 36-year-old Jumella Fringe said. I have always heard fabled tales of ceramic dishes with various food portions arranged on them, but it all still came as a bit of a shock.’
‘I was just checking that nobody was having a nervous and complete mental breakdown over the weather today, when suddenly I noticed that someone had put their breakfast up on there – sausage egg and beans with two slices of toast and a cup of tea.’
‘She even put a caption up about it being some sort of ‘breakfast win’ along with fifteen different smiley faces and a 120-character hashtag. Someone give her a fucking Pulitzer Prize for being so moving and deep and shit.’
In a late development, swanky Leigh eaterie Le Pamplemousse Confondu has announced that diners will be able to sample their #noeating Menu from November 1st.
Created by owner Leviathan Montrose-Nash, the £79.95 four-course menu presents customers with a range of minimalist seafood dishes for photograps and social media sharing only, before the food is burned in a giant cauldron as a ritual sacrifice to the vengeful sea god Poseidon.
Self-styled food visionary Montrose-Nash added: ‘Between courses, diners will be treated to interpretative dance displays, scornful looks to encourage self-reflection and poetry that doesn’t rhyme.’
‘By not allowing diners to eat any of the food while still charging them the full £79.95 per head plus fictitious wine corkage, we are making a statement about the futility of culinary existence, or some sort of bollocks like that.’
‘Leigh on Sea truly hasn’t seen a culinary revolution like this since the last one.’