In a surprise announcement coming out of Hollywood today, a 75-year-old GP’s receptionist from Essex has been cast in the upcoming remake of Steven Spielberg’s Second War War movie Schindler’s List.

According to the press release, the role of Amon Goeth that was originally played by Ralph Fiennes has been given to Eileen Glare, who has worked at the Sally’s Mound Doctors Surgery Practice in Southend On Sea since 1978.

Speaking about the appointment, director Steven Spielberg said, ‘I just walked into the surgery one day, and she instantly caught my eye.’

‘A middle-aged gentleman had come in and asked to book an appointment to see his doctor, and what followed over the next 90 seconds convinced me that she would be the perfect choice to play a high-ranking official of the Nazi Party.’

‘The gentleman told her initially that he would rather not discuss the reason for his appointment as it was of a personal nature, and a mere minute and a half later he was sobbing on the floor having given his entire medical history and intimate details of deep psychological scars that he had carried since childhood.’

‘If her initial attempt at gathering this information hadn’t been successful, she had the look of someone who would be prepared to shine a lamp into his face and wire his nipples to the nearest car battery. Top, top stuff.’

‘Shortly after he left, the phone rang and I observed her actually touching herself while telling the caller that there would be a six-week wait as they were still technically breathing – so method.’

According to regular patients of the surgery, Mrs Glare has a reputation for running the main waiting area with an iron fist, including feeding noisy toddlers to a pack of Lancashire pigs in the back yard ‘Brick Top’ style.

We spoke to Mrs Glare this evening, and she said, ‘I am delighted to be moving from this position into acting, although it will be a real shame to leave my vast clinical and medical experience behind me.’

‘Everyone thinks that being a GP’s receptionist is more of a clerical position, but if push came to shove I could probably diagnose everything from a common cold to mega aids – open heart surgery is also something that I have picked up over the years.’