A spokesperson for the Department of Transport has confirmed that the government’s proposed High Speed 2 rail project has been scrapped after it emerged that nobody in their right mind would want to travel north of Watford.

Junior minister Chris Duckling added that it was ‘barmy’ to think that people would actually want to reach ‘that grim region of chips and chlamydia’ any faster.

He said: ‘After we calculated that the whole project would cost around £55 billion, we then conducted a number of focus groups and feasibility studies and it emerged that no bastard actually wants to travel north of Watford.’

‘Around 24% of everyone that we spoke to even said that the M25 should just be raised onto a giant circular wall that protects everyone in the Capital from whippets, Oasis and mushy peas.’

‘With this information now in hand, it is clear that the money would be better spent on expanding the Crossrail network so that it criss-crosses London in eight different directions.’

‘Just imagine how long it could take a Canary Wharf cokehead to get into the City for a few lines and a bottle of Cristal, before heading to Wembley for their hospitality seats to watch Ed Sheeran and convince some 19-year-old temp from Poland that they are all current and shit.’

We spoke to Jack McHovis from the British Alliance of Northerners, and he told us that ‘those soft ponces ain’t missing much anyway.’

He added: ‘The last bloody thing we want is half a million Danny Dyer wannabes coming up here and destroying the housing market by buying all those £20,000 5-bed detached properties with a garden, international airstrip, swimming pool and room for seven ponies.’