A 34-year-old man from Southend in Essex is currently recovering in hospital after his wife inserted a full coronation chicken sandwich on wholemeal bread into his rectal cavity.
According to reports, Henry Fin De Cloche from Fairfax Drive had originally approached his wife Claire and said, ‘Happy International Women’s Day sweetheart – now make me a sandwich.’
A neighbour said, ‘I overheard a horrific shrieking sound from next door at around half past twelve, and quickly afterwards it turned into a sort of whimper.’
‘I thought that things were a bit odd as shortly beforehand I swore I heard her say, ‘Guess why I’ve buttered the outside as well, you misogynistic prick?’
‘The ambulance arrived after that, but thankfully he didn’t need a stretcher as he was able to John Wayne it into the back of the vehicle.’
Dr Julian Ringpiece is in charge of the Proctology Department at Southend Hospital, and he told Southend News Network that the procedure was particularly tricky as Claire had opted for wholemeal instead of white bread.
He added, ‘Anal enzymes take far longer to react with wholemeal bread, so in the end we were forced to perform a pioneering procedure that involves attaching electrodes to the sphincter and forcing a number of contractions to push the foreign body out.’
‘At one point his back passage was dilated by 10cm.’
A spokesperson for Essex Police has confirmed that no charges will be brought as she was ‘provoked.’
WPC Elaine Peacie said, ‘If that had been me, I would have made sure that he would have ended up wearing it like a curry and sultana gum shield.’
‘It should have been a baguette.’