A judge presiding over a case of armed robbery at Southend Crown Court has ruled that a guilty defendant cannot be sent to prison as she is ‘fit as f**k’ and definitely a ‘nine.’

Delivering his sentence of community service after £500,000 was stolen in a bank raid in Hawkwell in April, Judge Justice Alan Custis said that 21-year-old Madeline Eyewood was ‘so pleasing on the eye that to send her to prison would be a crime in itself.’

Summing up, he added: ‘Although Ms Eyewood would be subjected to a significant custodial sentence of up to fifteen years in normal circumstances, it cannot be denied that she is fit as f**k and definitely a ‘nine’ in anyone’s book.’

‘The transcriber has already lost his place fifteen times throughout this trial every time she has leant forward a little bit in the dock.’

‘I’ll be honest. Most of the female defendants we get in Southend are absolute munters – you are something else though, just wow.’

‘I’m not often lost for words, but you should be in Playboy or something like that.’

‘That wasn’t meant in a sexist way, but you are just hnnnnnnnnnnnng.’

After this short speech, Judge Custis then made a sort of ‘woof woof pursey-lips’ face and took a couple of photos on his iPhone before passing a piece of paper to the defendant containing what was presumably his phone number.

He added: ‘I notice that are really intelligent as well, but that stands to reason as you managed to single-handedly mastermind a half-million pound bank raid.’

‘I am ordering you to return £5000 to the bank involved and keep the rest for a boob job.’

‘They are pretty damn amazing as they are and you sure don’t get many of them to the pound, but you know what they say: there’s no such thing as too much.’