Welcome to Southend News Network’s LIVE UPDATES page with all of the latest news about Southend school closures due to clown-related security concerns. If you have any updates please email firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet us via @SouthendNewsNet.
1830 – The headteacher of Hamster Infant and Junior Schools has confirmed that both schools will be closed all week while the cages are swept for possible clown concealment areas.
1820 – Police have confirmed that the ‘clown’ spotted near Porters Strange School was in fact the infamous local slapper Beryl ‘Boobs’ McGee. It was reported that the ‘easy’ 67-year-old was wearing particularly slapdash makeup at the time of the sighting.
1800 – Southend Borough Council leader Nigel HooHaa has just told our Chief Reporter that the Civic Centre Clown Count is currently ‘at regular levels.’
1740 – In a press conference, Southend Head of Communal Community Safety Roger Nesszoni has said that all schools will remain open unless they are closed. He added that the Clownline is now open on 01702 986335 to report any school closures – the secret password is ‘feltch.’
1730 – As a precaution, Southend Borough Council has taken out an emergency injunction against any clown gatherings of more than one clown within the borough’s boundaries – an exemption has been added for local legend and renown fundraiser Salvo The Clown who can often be found on the High Street.
1720 – A clown sighting has been confirmed on the Kursaal Estate. He has now been stripped down for spare parts and is resting on bricks.
1710 – An ethical Fairtrade clown has been spotted terrorising the people of Leigh with a Jean Patrique Excelsior meat cleaver from Waitrose. A group of locals are currently trying to reason with him with a mixture of expletives and John Lennon lyrics.
1700 – Why does every prick with an Instagram account suddenly think he is Tim fucking Curry?