A 24-year-old mum of three from Southend On Sea has been telling Southend News Network about how she was struggling to find enough time for parenting, before she was forced to QUIT FACEBOOK and then suddenly found enough time for parenting. According to newly-liberated Samantha Postini, the move will also save her £10 per week in EE top-ups.
Samantha told our Chief Reporter: ‘A week ago, things became really bad at home when I literally ran out of time and two of my three kids fell asleep for the night before I had been able to give them any dinner. My phone’s autocorrect kept trying to remove the apostrope from ‘are there any other mummy’s online’ and I spent an hour trying to post before I gave up.’
‘I was already in a fragile mental state as loads of my friends have stopped playing Candy Crush Saga – I have been scrambling around for extra lives for a while now. I was really upset and wandered off to the toilet with my phone, and I was in such a state that I let it slip from my hand and fall down the toilet.’
‘It was ruined and wouldn’t even switch on. I quickly locked our front door to keep my kids safe and ran to my friend’s house down the road to quickly log back in to Facebook and ask all my friends to DM me their mobile numbers in case I was unable to retrieve them from the submerged SIM card.’
‘The next morning, my phone insurance company said that it would take seven days for a new phone to be sent out, and so it dawned on me that I would have to start keeping all of my thoughts, life observations, declarations of who I want to shag, complaints about psychopathic neighbours and passive-aggressive detail-free declarations of war to myself on a temporary basis. The results were unbelievable.’
‘I noticed that without a black rectangle obscuring my vision, I was able to see everything that my kids were up to. Because of the way that my living room is laid out, I used to struggle to Snapchat and stop my kids wandering into the fireplace.’
‘Also, my three-year-old used to think that my nose was an Apple logo – she liked tapping on her uncle’s MacBook Air lid and saying ‘mummy’s white nose.’ She’s stopped doing that completely now.’
Professor Horatio Horologe of the University of Chalkwell said that Samantha’s situation can be explained with some simple science.
He added: ‘Looking at this using quadratic algebraic time mapping theory, it can be diluted into a simple balanced statement. If a mother finds that her Daily Parenting Time Deficit (DPTD) is four hours, and her Aggregated Social Media Consumption Time (ASMCT) is equal to or greater than this number, eliminating the DPTD element of the equation will mean that all parenting tasks can be carried out.’
‘ASMCT can be calculated by taking Facebook Posting Time (FPT) and adding to Candy Crush Saga Time (CCST) and Channing Tatum Image Downloads (CTID). Therefore, ASMCT = FPT + CST + CTID. Some parents will also have to factor in STOV, or Snapchat Threats Of Violence.’
‘As soon as ASMCT is equal to DPDT, parents will find that lobbing their phone out of a third-floor window will allow them to become fully-functioning human beings again. Also, if ASMCT is greater than DPDT, they will find that they have time to read the Thrifty Tips in Take A Break as well.’
We asked Dr Horloge for an update about his research into how fathers’ bowel functions tend to synchronise with their own young kids’ nappy-filling activity.
He said: ‘Our research is showing a growing trend of dads who experience a sudden and unstoppable need to go and sit on the toilet when their spouse indicates that a child has entered the final stages of nappy filling.’