Residents of a Southend street were ‘overwhelmed with happiness’ last night as local fireworks prat Dave Fuch-Weet managed to blow his cock off.
Ambulances were called to an address in Fairfax Drive shortly after 11.30pm on Friday evening when it was reported that Dave Fuch-Weet was attempting to detonate around £900 of Chinese explosives in an area the size of an average wardrobe door.
According to witnesses, the display was both ‘anti-social and magical in equal measure,’ with the 46-second spectacular culminating in Mr Fuch-Weet’s manhood ending up one mile away in Prittlewell on the site of the Saxon King burial.
Plastic surgeons at Southend University Hospital have temporarily attached it to his forehead until a date for surgery becomes available.
One neighbour said: ‘We all told Dave not to bother, but he’s the sort of Southender who has five dobermans and two Staffie terriers in a one-bed flat.’
’He’s called them all ‘Tyson’ as well.’
In an unrelated development, a spokesperson for the Rochford Bonfire Tosser Of The Year Championship has said that it has been a record-breaking year for entries.
He added: ‘I am delighted to report that the rate of people holding bonfires without a single shred of garden waste to burn has reached 86%.’
’Only Canvey is above us in the league table.’
However, not everyone is excited about the Bonfire Night festivities, and local mum Michelle Garridge has launched a campaign for Southend Borough Council to ban all fireworks that make a noise or flash with bright colours.
She said: ‘Silent, invisible fireworks are the only solution for kids like my Alfie.’
’His allergy to Haribo means he gets incredibly sensitive to anything that is anything.’