Residents in South Woodham Ferrers have been excited ‘to the point of orgasm’ today after a branch of M&S Simply Food opened on the roundabout near that pub with the ducks.
A crowd of around 900 local hysterical fans of the historic BP / Marks and Spencer alliance gathered for the official opening at 7am on Wednesday morning, with many singing offensive chants about the end of the ‘evil’ stranglehold that ASDA has held over the Essex town for a number of years.
One of the most memorable songs heard to the tune of a US army march was ‘You may have a Maccy D’s, but you ain’t got breakfast pastries.’
The town’s biggest celebrity and renowned Facebook group administrator Jon Morter spoke to our Chief Reporter while queuing up for an autograph with BP’s famous mascot Wild Bean McLean, the talking coffee bean who is also knowledgeable about a variety of artisan cheeses and cured meats.
He said: ‘In 1945, the Second World War ended, and in 1969 man walked on the moon, but today’s opening trumps all of those hands down!’
‘I have already heard from at last 64 other retailers who are now interested in opening in South Woodham Ferrers because this M&S has put the town on the map.’
‘Our town’s profile is on the up and up, and it’s only a matter of time before we just become ‘Woodham Ferrers’ and those other nancies are forced to rename their silly little village ‘North Woodham Ferrers.’
‘It may be all pretty and rural and shit, but do they have a BP garage with an integrated M&S Simply Food and Wild Bean Cafe? No, they do not.’
Local singing sensation Annie Humphrey of Frog On A Rocket, who was entertaining the crowds as the queue for a packet of Percy Pig sweets reached 75 minutes, confirmed that Wild Bean Ballads will go on sale next week.