A spokesperson for Newcastle United has confirmed this evening that the entire Newcastle United first-team squad has been moved over to ZERO HOURS CONTRACTS as a result of their relegation to the Championship. The decision has been taken due to the reduced TV revenue and other sources of income that the club must now endure in life outside of the Premier League, and a source has also confirmed that some of the players are now too scared to get injured. 

The club spokesperson said: ‘With reduced overall income for at least the next season and maybe more, it made perfect sense to keep all of our team’s players on zero hours contracts. This arrangement will actually be a huge benefit for them as it will allow them the flexibility to study, have a family life, collect decorative thimbles and pretty much do whatever they want to do without the pesky long-term commitment to a single football team. The new arrangement will also include a ‘six strike’ policy, with ‘strikes’ given for days off injured, missed penalties and calling Rafa Benitez ‘fat.’

He added: ‘We did consider asking players to undergo thorough trophy searches before leaving St. James’ Park every day, but we concluded that this would be a waste of everybody’s time.’


  1. These footballers only appear to kick a ball around for 90 minutes every few weeks so why aren’t they on hour-and-a-half contracts?