Paramedics were called to the Southend branch of Waitrose on Saturday afternoon after a female shopper vanished up her own bottom – she was given breathing apparatus at the scene before being treated for minor injuries. 

Shortly after 4pm, a fellow shopper dialled 999 and raised the alarm, and witnesses told Southend News Network that the incident occurred after the lady had been involved in a passionate argument with a member of staff. According to one onlooker, the heated exchange escalated after it emerged that a popular brand of Fairtrade organic Costa Rican quinoa was out of stock.

Kelli Witheneye spoke to our Chief Reporter about the ‘horrific’ scenes that quickly unfolded, and she feels that she can never return to the store again because of the mental images that will ‘haunt her forever.’

She said: ‘I was standing right next to her and saw the whole thing. I usually go to Aldi on a Saturday with my little girl but we fancied Waitrose for a change, and while we were looking for a reasonably-priced bag of penné pasta another lady was getting incredibly frustrated while looking through the packaged quinoa section.’

‘She turned to me and said ‘their range of Fairtrade organic quinoa is outrageous’ and then mumbled something about the Peruvian stuff ‘not being fit to feed to her Bichon Frise.’ She then angrily grabbed an innocent member of staff and launched into an expletive-filled rant about how they could have possibly let stocks of Fairtrade organic Costa Rican quinoa run out on the weekend of the Southend Polo Invitational.’

‘When the poor woman suggested that the Peruvian equivalent had been described as ‘an adequate quinoa’ by The Grain Concierge Guide 2016, the customer just got more and more enraged to the point where her clenched fists began to shake and there was visible forehead vein protrusion.’

‘A manager suddenly appeared on the scene and asked if she would like to see something from the bulgur wheat trolley, and she lurched towards him and give him a solid slap with her right hand. While he was holding his face in complete shock, she fell to the floor and started to spasm wildly, and that’s when it happened.’

Kelli took a couple of moments to compose herself before describing to our Chief Reporter how the customer had ended up with her head firmly inserted into her own posterior.

She continued: ‘While she was suffering from this violent spasm, her back was arching backwards and the angle was getting more and more worrying. As other customers began to gather around her, a sickening popping sound was heard as the top of her head became lodged within her arsehole. Within seconds, she was chin-deep in her own rectum.’

‘Although it was difficult to work out what she was screaming at this point, I’m pretty certain that I could make out that she was accusing the manager of talking to her like ‘some Sainsbury’s degenerate.’

‘The paramedics arrived at this point and inserted an oxygen tube into her bottom to help her breathe, and I believe she was treated at the scene and taken to hospital for tests.’

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: ‘We are glad to confirm that the lady in question was checked over in hospital before being sent home where she is making a full recovery. Our staff are trained in a number of basic first aid procedures and we are proud of our fantastic track record in this area.’

‘Like all Waitrose stores in the United Kingdom, our Southend branch is equipped with a medical cupboard that includes a defibrillator and a rectal respirator – our branch in Leigh On Sea has just been fitted with a backup of the latter.’