According to the latest forecast from the Essex Weather Service, some areas of the south of the county are set to be hotter than the sun on Monday due to an impending heatwave.
EWS spokesperson Barry O’Meter added that people should enjoy the sunshine, but also apply common sense.
He said: ‘Southend On Sea in particular will see temperatures exceed a bazillion degrees Celsius, which is roughly a kajillion degrees Fahrenheit.’
‘The seafront may look like the best place to get your t-shirt off and catch some rays, but we would advise you to cover up if your bellybutton is five minutes ahead of your arsehole due to severe guntage.’
‘Nothing to do with the weather really, it just makes you look like a complete pillock.’
Marvin Hngthhhhzzhngth is the landlord of The Golden Carpet pub on Marine Parade, and he told our Chief Reporter that it is vital to stay as hydrated as possible.
He said: ‘I’ve looked at the official guidelines on the NHS website, and so 8-10 pints of Stella should cover it.’
‘We have one of the largest outdoor pub seating areas on the Seafront, and with a bit of careful planning an unaccompanied five-year-old child can make a quid last for four hours in the arcades, so you don’t even need to arrange childcare.’
‘I won’t tell the social if you don’t.’
‘If you are really desperate, we have a Staffordshire Terrier called Tyson who can look after a few kiddies next to the hot peanut machine.’
‘He gets a bit aggy when you tickle his balls but he has a heart of gold really.’