It has emerged this evening that the singer Phil Collins has come out as crap.
According to close friends of the 66-year-old former member of Genesis, he has been struggling to hide his true musical ability for a number of years with a scientifically engineered combination of marketing and space-age synthesiser equipment.
A source added: ‘A number of us have suspected this for a long time, but now that Phil has come out and declared this we hope that it will give others the confidence to just take a stand against prejudice in modern society and declare that they are truly terrible at what they do.’
‘It must have been awful for him over the years having to go up on stage and put a brave face on it.’
‘Let’s face it. If it wasn’t for a chocolate-peddling gorilla with a drum kit nobody under the age of 55 would have a clue who he is.’
Nathan Oreo is chief executive of Excretia, a charitable organisation that provides support and counselling for people who are struggling to come to terms with their true competence.
He said: ‘This is a momentous day for millions of others in Phil’s position.’
‘To be fair, the smart money must be on Sting next. He can only bang on about the fucking rainforest for so much longer.’
In a late development, an insider at West Ham United has confirmed that around 60% of the first team squad are preparing statements after being inspired by Collins’ bravery.
He added: ‘The rest of the team will be wearing brown armbands during this weekend’s game in a show of solidarity.’