A spokesperson for Playmobil has officially confirmed to Southend News Network that the toy company is sick of Lego’s shit, and in a further development they also revealed that ‘Duplo can go f**k themselves too.’

Earlier today, Playmobil founder Polymer Von Schildkrote told our Chief Reporter that he is no longer prepared to tolerate the Danish brick toy manufacturer’s ‘overwhelming smugness in the marketplace.’

He added: ‘Every major movie franchise and video game wants Lego this and Duplo that, while we come up with waterways and elaborate scenery with moving bits and nobody seems to give a shit.’

‘It would be nice to get a phone call from George Lucas one day and say ‘you know what mate, the Death Star would look f*****g mint with loads of chunky white bits and happy smiley stormtroopers.’

‘Also, not to be a dick about it or anything, but when’s the last time that someone walking barefoot lacerated themselves on a piece of Playmobil? It’s like they are some sort of Danish cult or something, them and the bacon people.’

We asked Mr Von Schildkrote if he had ever tried to win any major movie or TV character contracts, and he said that he ‘feared for his life’ after one particular enquiry that he made. 

He said: ‘We tried to convince Marvel that Batman and the associated characters would look fantastic exclusively in Playmobil. We presented a PowerPoint over in Hollywood and it all went really, really well.’

‘Two days later, I walked out of my office to find my car up on bricks. Tiny little bricks. There was a note on the windscreen to say that they would carry on dismantling my whole life brick by brick unless I pulled out of the deal.’

A spokesman for Lego said: ‘We strongly deny any unethical activity in the toy marketplace. Every toy manufacturer has the same right to bid for official franchise deals, and if Warner Brothers ever want to launch Harry Potter’s First Hogwarts Fire Station Play Set we are sure that PlayMobil will be at the front of the queue.’