A spokesperson for The Last Post in Southend On Sea has confirmed that the pub’s resident fruit machine expert is actually full of shit. The news emerged after 56-year-old Joel Barcrest successfully helped a local student to lose £145 in twenty minutes earlier on Monday.
In a statement, he said: ‘It is with regret that I inform you that our pub’s resident fruit machine expert is not an expert.’
‘An incident was brought to your attention this afternoon on the Deal Or No Deal machine that where a student was advised to ignore all non-jackpot prizes as it would fool the machine into eventually dropping the jackpot, the cash pot, the mega cash pot, and every streak imaginable.’
‘Needless to say, this was actually bollocks.’
‘The situation came to a head when the player got on the board and was advised to go lower than a ‘2’ because one of the hold lights was slightly dimmer than the others – this apparently was a sign that the machine was looking to pay out for an ‘impossible’ high low spin.’
‘Needless to say, this was also bollocks.’
‘The player chucked the remainder of his pint all over Mr Barcrest, before storming off into the High Street. Fortunately, a pair of ladies were playing on the quiz machine a few yards away and he wandered over to offer them the benefit of his expertise.’
‘However, during a game of Bullseye a few minutes later, he was kicked in the testicles after telling the girls that the 1982 FA Cup was won by Arethra Franklin.’
When we caught up with Mr Barcrest, he was adamant that most people respect his skills and knowledge. He confirmed that he is about to embark upon a tour of all UK Wetherspoons.