Public health officials in Essex have issued a yellow-level warning about the current heavy fog conditions after twelve weather stations across Essex recorded that oxygen levels were at an all-time low. 

According to Nigel Kenco-Butterworth of the Essex Weather Service, Monday morning will see oxygen levels fall to just 13% in Southern England instead of the usual 20.95% as the vital gas is forced out of the atmosphere by the heavier fog particles. 

He met our Chief Reporter to explain why the current fog situation is so dangerous, and he gave some very clear advice about how people could carry on breathing unhindered until the fog passes. 

He said: ‘Although fog doesn’t normally have a devastating effect on oxygen levels, the current fog over the South of England is a result of thunderfog – this is the weather phenomenon when a large area of fog collides with another large area of fog to create the thunderfog effect.’

‘Thunderfog particles are 43% more dense than regular fog, and this forces oxygen molecules up into the cranusphere that rests around 10,000 metres above sea level.’

‘As a result, a number of people will notice on Monday that the air is only breathable when they lie perfectly flat on the floor – this is because ground oxygen pockets form in affected areas.’

We asked Mr Kenco-Butterworth what people should do if they start to feel light headed on Monday. 

He said: ‘People need to quickly recognise the signs that oxygen levels are falling in thunderfog.’

‘Because the oxygen is being replaced with nitrous oxygenium-peroxide, you may just feel a little light-headed, and many people will start to see hallucinations or visions.’

‘We have already had reports from Southend that a motorist crashed his car on the A127 Tesco roundabout after insisting that the ‘ghost’ of the late comedian Bernard Manning appeared in his glove box and started ranting about Chinese people.’

‘It would seem that this was some sort of hallucination, as a common effect of severe oxygen deprivation is the illusion of micro ghosts of deceased celebrities.’

‘Pedestrians can continue going about their daily business if they have some way of maintaining an oxygen supply from ground level. A few people have been spotted with really long drinking straws that reach the floor, and this is the most cost effective solution.’