Local residents and tourists have expressed concerns after it emerged that a Sculpture Cum Laboratory is due to be moored to the end of Southend Pier as part of an ongoing art project. According to varying versions of events that have been provided by different sources, the facility will provide a research centre where artists will be able to create ‘masterpieces’ from materials that have until now been incredibly difficult to mould into anything meaningful. 

Local art commentator Cornelius Trillington-Giullotine has admitted that he is both fascinated and disgusted in equal measure. He said: ‘Over the last 20 years or so, numerous attempts have been made in the art world to create examples of living art from this sort of base matter, and they have all failed miserably due to the fact that as a medium the level of adhesion increases rapidly within a very short space of time – it’s a real bugger when it dries as well. Perhaps this scientific approach will bring some joy to a group of pioneers who have been frustrated until now, but previous claims about this kind of breakthrough have been nothing more than a tissue of lies.’

Although a number of Latin language experts have contacted Southend News Network to explain the possibility of misinterpretation in this instance, the Chief Reporter has written to Southend Borough Council for clarification in this matter. 


  1. this is just a cover up. It has just been uncovered that these are claim jumpers in disguise. The real truth is that they have cum to get moored in wot may be sections of water which could be needed by Thamestown in future generations. May the EBB be with them..

  2. The English language is wonderful; its misunderstanding by those who do not understand it is even funnier.

    Especially those who program corporate e-mail filters – just ask anyone from Chorton-cum-Hardy!