A shocking study by the University Of Just About Everyone With An IQ Higher Than A Slice Of Wholemeal Toast has revealed that there is a direct link between the violent crime rate going up and the number of police officers being slashed dramatically.
According to the groundbreaking research, an nasty individual will strongly consider doing something extremely nasty if the nearest copper is seven towns over.
The revelations are in stark contrast to recent comments by the Home Secretary Amber Rudd, who feels that the recent spike in violent crime is down to social media.
A source said, ‘Yes Amber – you have got it 100% spot on there.’
‘People asking for sweet cones, endless images of sliced avocados and mummas mouthing off at unspecified people because ‘I carnt say on hear but you no who you are’ are definitely to blame for twats roaming the streets and sticking knives in people.’
‘It has absolutely nothing to do with the police force now being so overstretched after years of funding cuts that anything less significant than mass genocide is put onto a ‘task list’ for an email follow up, a crime reference number for insurance reasons and counselling within 7-10 months.’
‘If you would like a faster response to your burglary, you need to add that the intruder is also on the verge of posting a meme on Twitter that might upset someone.’
‘They will send a helicopter and cancel all annual leave for that.’
We asked a gang member in Leytonstone if social media had made him turn to a life of violence.
He said, ‘Yes definitely. I often get the sudden urge to bust a cap in someone’s ass when I see someone using an apostrophe to designate that a noun is plural.’