The entire Shoreditch area of East London is currently in LOCKDOWN after a ferocious brawl broke out between three hipsters over who had the greatest man-bun.
According to witnesses, the trouble erupted at the Purple Avocado New Age Coffee Experience shortly before 10am when a tall and lightly-endowed girl in her early 20’s wearing a faded Paramore t-shirt struck up a conversation with a bearded hipster of a virtually identical build.
One witness said: ‘Things were getting a bit flirty after they both realised that they had ordered the same Skinny Kale and Chai Latte, and I heard her say how much she admired his man-bun.’
‘All of a sudden, another hipster male walked past with a slightly larger man bun, and you could see her eyes wandering while she seductively starting biting her bottom lip and breathing heavily.’
‘This new hipster must have walked back and forth like a peacock swaying his bottom and man-bun in perfect rhythm at least twenty times to try and get her attention, when suddenly the original hipster lashed out with a biodegradable wooden tea stirrer.’
‘The second hipster then grabbed a rolled-up copy of The Guardian and it was like some kind of medieval duel.’
‘When they clashed heads and their man-buns briefly came into contact with one-another, the girl started clapping and giggling.’
‘After ten minutes of cycling between lashing out and forming defensive guard positions, a third hipster approached the melée with what can only be described as a ‘meta man-bun’ – this is when the hair forms a shape so big that it is spread over three tiers in a sort of rounded wedding cake-like pyramid.’
‘He pulled off his leather glove (he was only wearing one) and slapped both of them round the face before all three of them started brawling on the floor.’
The coffee store’s owner Percival Nibbly-Twotch told our Chief Reporter that he has ‘nothing but praise’ for the police handling of the incident.
He added: ‘Unfortunately the hipster with the biodegradable wooden tea stirrer realised he was out-man-bunned and ran off screaming into the street.’
‘Now everyone has been advised to remain indoors until he is apprehended.’