Here are six things that scare Brits SHITLESS more than terrorism.
RAIL REPLACEMENT BUSES – Nothing says ‘you’re all fucked’ more than turning up at your local station and seeing some clapped-out double-decker 1989 piece of shit waiting to whisk you to your destination via the arse end of nowhere because Network Rail decided that your local line wasn’t trainy enough this week.
CANCELLING CORONATION STREET / EASTENDERS – Nothing makes British people lose their shit like turning over to BBC One for Eastenders only to be presented with the FA Cup first round match between Pongleton Athletic and AFC Fuckknows from the 14th tier who might be up for a giantkilling. These same sad fucks are inconsolable when the Olympics are on, unaware that a magical and enchanting world exists outside of the latest edition of Take A Break.
WASPS – Bees serve a purpose in life with honey and pollination and shit, and so we tolerate them while they go about their business. On the other hand, their psychopathic cousin ‘the wasp’ has realised that it has fuck all purpose in life and so just goes around stinging everyone who looks at it funny. It’s the insect equivalent of that bloke in the Burberry hat in Wetherspoons who has eight Stellas and then wants to fight you because you stepped within ten feet of his ‘bird’ Shanelle.
SUMMER – As soon as we reach July and it is the ‘hottest summer since records began,’ we all raid Argos for 4ft pedestal fans in the misguided hope that it won’t just sit in the corner of your bedroom, circulating hot air and keeping you awake because it’s so … fucking … loud.
ELECTIONS – ‘Hey guys, just in case you hadn’t had enough fucking politics on an annual basis since 2014, here’s another steaming pile of politics for you.’ Fantastic! I was beginning to miss all of the Facebook memes telling me that Corbyn had a curry with Skeletor, eats live puppies and will kill us all with his weirdy-beardyness. Oh look, the Daily Mail managed to get a snapshot of Jezza pulling a face like he is shitting out a Westie Terrier sideways. Well done.
FACEBOOK MUMMY BUSINESSES – Of course it isn’t a pyramid scheme, it’s merely a multi-level marketing setup where the top layer is very, very narrow and it gets wider and wider as you move further and further down. How many cartons of horse piss do you need to shift this month to get a trip to Vegas and a Mercedes? Nice spelling as well. Fuck off.