A spokesperson for the British Association of Clinical Clinicians has confirmed that the Southend accent is now statistically Britain’s most effective contraceptive.
Dr Bruarz Drup was in charge of the six-month study at the BACC, and he told Southend News Network that while the ‘estuaryfied, piercing screech’ was like a red rag to a bull for those within the area, it was like ‘John Prescott in drag’ to everyone else.
He added: ‘We took a group of six Southend residents, three male and three female, to nightclubs all over the UK to test our theory.’
‘The results proved that the accent was very effective – in one case a female test subject asked one young male fourteen times to take her around the back of the bins by KFC and he still didn’t understand what she was saying.’
‘During tests in Newcastle, one of the males spent ten minutes talking to a local girl on a hen night and she remarked afterwards that she was ‘as dry as the Sinai.’
‘We are now in talks with pubs and clubs all over Britain to see if they can pump ten-second clips of South Essex speech into the gaps between songs.’
‘As a wise man once said, head on down to Southend, and kiss someone on the lips. The chances are, you’ll taste the taste, of lovely fish and chips.’
‘However, go any further and you might be texting the NHS for a testing kit.’
Researchers from the University of Canewdon have also recently discovered a similar outcome by playing recordings of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Now when it is presented by Stacey Solomon.
A paper commented: ‘It’s not so much the accent, it’s more that the human brain cannot handle interpreting so many words at that rate of speech.’