The chairman of the Southend Cliff Lift Restoration Coalition has DECLARED WAR on the modern and ‘smelly’ lift that has been installed by Southend Council on Pier Hill. According to Sir Bertram Reginald MBE, the newer lift has seen Cliff Lift visitor numbers dwindle to just a handful of visitors on a number of days in 2016, and he admits that members of SCLRC are now prepared to take ‘drastic measures’ to drive people away from the multi-floor lift that connects the seafront, Southend Pier entrance and the bottom of the High Street. 

Speaking exclusively to our Chief Reporter, Sir Bertram said: ‘Why anyone would want to get in that metal monstrosity is beyond me! If I wanted to trap myself in a tiny room that stinks of piss I would go and visit my Auntie Elsie in her residential home, but thousands of people forget about our perfectly-preserved Cliff Lift everyday. The small fee that people pay to use our lift helps to maintain this little slice of historic Southend heaven, and you can often see female joggers going up and down the steps next door in very tight tops – that has to be worth the admission fee alone! If people weren’t so bloody lazy and just walked a few hundred yards along the top of the cliffs they could get away from all of the screaming brats going to Adventure Island and have a far more civilised experience.’

We asked Sir Bertram about what he meant by ‘drastic measures’ to stop people using the modern lift, and he said: ‘We have already considered hiring a team of 20 people to spend the whole day going up and down – this will make it impossible for anyone else to get in. Apart from that, we are going to start a massive online marketing campaign about our own Cliff Lift, and we are also preparing a small-to-medium level biological warfare offensive.’


  1. Oh, so this toilet is actually a lift.

    I never realised although often wondered why people would staring at me.

  2. “Southend Cliff Lift DECLARES WAR on SMELLY Pier Hill lift”

    Will they be fighting them on the beaches?