A statement has been released by Southend News Network to confirm that a £5.3m takeover bid has been rejected earlier today. The prospective bidder’s name has not been released for commercial reasons. 

At the time that the statement was made, the only information that was readily available was that the bid had been made by an ‘unnamed local newspaper’ based in the region. 

Southend News Network’s commercial director Hermione Ron-Draco said: ‘The bid was rejected over concerns about what would happen to the Southend News Network brand after purchase.’

‘As a company that only deals in news and current affairs that are not 100% based in reality, our main fear was that this policy would not be continued by the new owner.’

‘Furthermore, we received insider intelligence to indicate that the new owner intended to perform the online equivalent of ‘burning down the headquarters and pissing on the ashes – clearly this would not be in the best interests of both Southend News Network and their tens of fans.’

‘We politely declined their offer with a carefully-worded fax, and they responded by replying with a poorly-lit image of a man’s genitals – clearly these are not people that we will be able to do business with in the future.’

Although we are not able to reveal the identity of the bidding company, we received a short statement from them regarding this matter. 

It said: ‘It is is with regrett that our bid for SNN was rejected earlier today. Our intentions for the company were entirely legitimate, but ultimately they have decided that we are not in a position to to to to run their busines.’