With Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un reportedly edging closer and closer to nuclear war, a study has revealed that the average Essex girl is wearing enough make up to withstand a full-on nuclear blast with no more than ‘minor itching.’
Dr Irving Slapp of the University of East Barling told Southend News Network that during the four-week study, all ten participants were able to walk away from a range of controlled nuclear detonations ‘practically unharmed.’
He said: ‘With the threat of nuclear war looking greater and greater with each passing day, we carried out a study to see if applying one’s make up with a wooden spoon in the morning has any practical uses beside trying to woo some prick called Gaz who drives a battered Corsa.’
‘We held a recruitment event outside Primark on the High Street and found ten test subjects, and then inserted their faces in sealed chambers where a micro fireball was created with a core temperature of 2000 degrees Celcius.’
‘Only one participant opened their mouth and things got a bit touch and go, but thankfully she had just been for a set of veneers.’
‘We then monitored all of the girls for a period of 48 hours, and although one of them complained of ‘cold sores’ it is unclear whether or not they were obtained pre-blast.’
In all honesty, the locals can forget about building a fallout shelter and just blow £50 in Wilkos instead.
We asked Dr Slapp if the same could be said for any fallout that would occur if an atomic weapon was detonated over the United Kingdom.
He added: ‘At the same time as the first study, we found a number of male individuals at an illegal car cruising event on the seafront and subjected them to unsafe levels of radiation to see if their cognitive function and general intelligence levels would be reduced.’
‘The results were encouraging.’