After self-declared Meninist Ryan Williams from Canvey suggested that there is a way for women to ‘hold in’ their period if purchasing tampons isn’t economically feasible at the time, Southend News Network’s health correspondent Florence Painter has been talking to our Chief Reporter about the best way for women to delay having their period and, if necessary, holding their bladders. Here are Flo’s TOP TIPS for delaying your period:

  1. Jump up and down or do a long handstand. 
  2. Eat some chocolate with your legs firmly pressed together.
  3. Watch a ‘chick flick’ like Bridget Jones’ Baby – you will be swooning over Colin Firth and laughing so much that it will take your mind off your period. It’s all about mind over matter.
  4. Buy a Paul McKenna cassette tape. 
  5. Join a Zumba class. The tightening of the ‘down below’ muscles after three months will allow you to turn your periods on and off at will. 
  6. Drink some wine. Alcohol solves everything doesn’t it. Especially when you eat some chocolate as well. 
  7. Get pregnant – most of the time this stops your period. If you get knocked up and give birth constantly until you hit the menopause then your problems are over. 
  8. Encourage your menopause to arrive early by watching Loose Women 24 hours a day. For weekend periods, put as many episodes on Sky+HD as possible. 
  9. Buy a smaller car. The Ford Ka has been clinically proven to induce periods in men, so for women it should have the opposite effect. 
  10. Visit a tampon bank. There are already more than 250 tampon banks in Essex where ladies can donate tampons that are only partially-used and these are provided free of charge to visitors. Expert counselling is also available on-site to women who are having trouble with points 1-9. 

Does anyone else think that it is slightly ironic that someone from Canvey Island is giving the impression that he is an expert on mopping things up?