A three-month study by the world-famous Prittlewell Institute has revealed exactly what happens to your body when you eat quinoa.
Nutrition expert Dr Hermann Phaff told our Chief Reporter that the results were ‘shocking’ after his term performed in-depth analysis of just how our bodies are affected after spending 12 weeks eating the so-called ‘supergrain’ at least once a week.
He said: ‘In our fifteen test subjects, the first thing that we noticed is that they all stopped saying ‘yes’ and instead adopted an affirmative response of ‘yaaaaa darling.’
‘Two people even accompanied the new word with spontaneous chin-stroking.’
‘By week 12, seven of them were wearing odd little hats and walking pugs, and one poor fellow was only able to communicate through interpretive dance and his Che Guevara t-shirt.’
‘This wouldn’t have been a huge problem, but he had also just taken up cycling on a £760 1956 retro pushbike he found at Mugdov Curios in Leigh On Sea.’
‘He was unable to signal ‘right turn’ effectively and got crushed by a double-decker bus in Southend Town Centre.’
We asked Dr Phaff if there were any irregular findings from the gastroscopies that were given to every participant at the end of the study.
He said: ‘The results were fascinating. Eight test subjects had a range of vegetation growing inside of them, and two ended up being urgently referred to a private hospital on Harley Street after internal footage showed that they had begun to disappear up their own anus.’
A spokesperson for the supergrain activists Quinoa United International Motherhood said: ‘Clearly this scientific research was flawed in a number of ways.’
‘I am 98% sure that the test quinoa wouldn’t have been organic, and even if it was it probably wasn’t Peruvian as per our own guidelines.’