Parents all over the United Kingdom are currently wondering what they should do if they didn’t get their first choice primary school for their child, and help is at hand!

First of all, it is well worth remembering that you are the only parent that this has ever happened to, and it is therefore highly likely that the admissions staff in your local council have singled you out and thought, ‘I know, let’s screw with them’ out of sheer boredom.

Therefore, instead of going through the official appeals process, your initial action should be to contact your first choice school, accuse them of everything under the sun, and then demand that they build a new extension and hire a teacher and two TAs just so they are able to offer your child a place.

2018 schooling is very different to days gone by. Just a few years ago, schools were forced to apply the laws of physics and have a maximum capacity, but now it is a well-known fact that any educational establishment is able to conjure a place for your child out of thin air – they just say otherwise because they want to be awkward.

Also, remember that Ofsted ratings provide a complete and comprehensive overview of any particular school.

The two days that inspectors spend on-site after giving adequate warning of their arrival mean that their judgement that includes whether or not you have ‘drinking water’ stickers on the taps should form the entire basis for your decision.

Remember that anything less than ‘Outstanding’ means that a school is comparable to a POW camp from Nazi Germany.

If all else fails, why not get together with a group of other angry parents, attend your top choice school and start breaking things?

Just pop ‘Brixton Riots’ into YouTube if you need some inspiration.