A meeting between leading Conservative and DUP politicians in Downing Street had to be suspended this morning after witnesses confirmed that Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson kept looking at Prime Minister Theresa May and coughing the word ‘resign.’
According to reports from inside the meeting room, it became clear that Johnson wasn’t just suffering from ‘a bit of a tickle’ when at one stage he managed to clear his throat with a full ‘you fucked up sweetheart.’
One insider said: ‘The meeting opened with Mrs May giving a heartfelt speech about why this meeting would be a turning point in the sorry saga that has occurred since the general election, and when she paused for breath we heard someone cough while pronouncing the word ‘resign.’
‘After two or three attempts, it was clear that it must have been Boris Johnson as every time a cough was heard and everyone turned around to him you could see him suddenly shuffling through some papers or analysing the wallpaper.’
‘The meeting was brought to a halt a few minutes later when DUP leader Arlene Foster stood and told the room that the DUP was only looking to act in the overall interests of the United Kingdom and not to score political points over Sinn Fein when Boris clearly coughed the word ‘bollocks’ and started stroking his chin.
‘When a senior aide told Boris to calm down, he just ignored him and kept saying ‘yeahhhhhhh, chinny reckon.’
‘The whole meeting descended into a vicious shouting match at that point, and Boris just went and sat in a large armchair in the corner of the room, ruffled his hair all over the place and just kept screaming ‘feck, arse, girls.’