A spokesperson for the Department of Health has confirmed that a TOWIE vaccine will be offered to all school children in Essex from the start of the 2019 academic year. 

According to an number of leading immunisation experts, giving the single-injection vaccine to all kids at the age of 11 will provide them with ‘99.9%’ of protection against developing TOWIE after their 18th birthday.

DofE chairman Sir Arge Goodja added: ‘A shocking number of children are being infected with TOWIE in our schools through sexual contact, and the problem is getting worse with every passing month.’

‘Last week, a secondary school in Basildon had to be closed and fumigated when a Year 9 pupil turned up in a homemade t-shirt with the word ‘slut’ spelled out in diamanté lettering. She added an extra ‘e’ as well and this is an indication that the virus may have led to brain damage.’

‘A number of teachers have also told us that they keep observing small groups of pupils in the playground having carefully constructed arguments and tantrums before everything is hunky dory the next day. This is highly worrying sociological behaviour.’

Jemima Spoonge told Southend News Network that her 14-year-old daughter Chloe wakes up at 4am every day so that she can be ready in time for school.

She added: ‘This vaccine has come too late for Chloe, so for now I am just trying to make her as comfortable as I can – we are just taking every day as it comes.’

‘At the moment she is leaving the house every day looking like a mahogany mantelpiece and constantly trying to dye our chihuahua purple, but the whole family has already learnt to accept that the disease will reach an advanced stage within a year or so.’

‘Doctors have warned us that towards the end she will only be able to communicate in basic grunting noises while being condemned to making a living being photographed in a thong taking the rubbish bags out.’