One of the emergency biscuit aid packs being put together by the UN.

In an address earlier today, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon confirmed that approximately 1500 tonnes of biscuits will be dropped into Essex within the next 14 days. The drops will concentrate on some of the areas that have been hardest hit by the shortage after severe December flooding during Storm Desmond at the United Biscuits factory in Carlisle.

After yesterday’s rioting in Chalkwell when supplies of Carr’s Water Biscuits reached critical levels, local residents are delighted with the news. Some of Southend’s tea rooms have had to suspend afternoon teas until rich tea fingers become available again, and the emergency aid provision will ensure that these establishments are able to start trading again as soon as possible.

Charles Van Garibaldi, who is working for Biscuits Sans Frontières around the borough, hopes that the aid drops will help to restore civil order in South Essex. He said: ‘Some of the Bourbon distribution camps in Ipswich have become unmanageable in recent weeks, and we hope that the UN’s intervention here will stop Essex people from trying to cross the hazardous Manningtree marshland.’

Southend resident Pete McVitie is also feeling optimistic about the future. He said: ‘Humanity may be facing its biggest crisis since World War 2 in Syria and the surrounding nations, but the real catastrophe is unfolding right here with every extra empty supermarket biscuit shelf and each cup of tea sitting solemnly without a sweet accompaniment. We’re getting bugger all from our own government, while they pump millions into foreign aid – when will they start looking after their own?’