If you have ever wondered which Essex town you are, take our quiz and find out now!

Do you insist on your fairtrade cookies being individually imported from Milan? Do you wear your hat ironically? Do you enjoy spending three hours browsing around a shop where nobody really knows what is being sold? You are Leigh On Sea. 

Do you spend your whole day sneering at your neighbours and wishing that you didn’t have to share a postcode with them? Do you stand there and worry about 200 megatons of explosives destroying everything you hold dear at the drop of a hat? Are your hedges immaculate? You are Thorpe Bay. 

Do you have a ridiculous f**king one way system, a kebab shop and a ghastly new build estate of ‘affordable’ housing popping up every five seconds? Do you get sexually aroused by temporary traffic lights? Are you infested with mopeds? You are Rochford. 

Are you 95 years old? Have you been mercilessly converted into flats? Do you spend hours looking at fit Polish women before moaning about how all of the Polish people are ruining the area? You are Westcliff. 

Are you looking at me? You are Southend. 

Do you stink of shit? Has someone stolen all of your onions? Do you evade train fares and get all pissy when someone tries to build anything with 200 metres of the remains of some bloke who died like a million years ago? You are Prittlewell. 

Do you have bugger all except lots of time-restricted parking areas and trees? You are Chalkwell. 

Are you incapable of functioning when some bastard decides to have an accident? Do people speed all over you even when some copper is giving it large in The Echo about helicopters and cameras? Do you like lots of funny Dutch words? You are Canvey. 

Do you have seven fingers on each foot? You are Canewdon. 

Do you go bang a lot? Do you give the impression that you are actually not scummy because you have a lot of cul-de-sacs? Do you laugh because your next door neighbour’s name looks a bit like ‘wankering’? You are Shoeburyness. 

Do you think that you are a village? Do you live with the constant shame that Royal Mail doesn’t think that you are a real place? Do you stare longingly at Waitrose? You are Southchurch.

Has your public toilet closure been announced because your local council has pissed all of the money away on temporary traffic lights? You are Hockley. 

Are you a nob? You are Rayleigh. 

Are you anything else. You are somewhere else. I’m bored now.